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Trash Talkin' Tom's Totally Random Ten Mercadian Masques Cards

by Trash Talkin' Tom

Don't we spell it "Mask's" in America?

Well, Hasbro has come out with their first expansion since scarfing up WotC like a big, sweaty fat guy at a all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. Of course those places use way too much MSG and the big, sweaty fat guy will be dead pretty soon unless he stops eating twice his body weight in Sesame Chicken and chain smoking a carton of unfiltered Camels a day, but even he has a twenty-four year old girlfriend who's absolutely perfect and just ADORES him. God, just imagining them...

But I digress.

  1. Vine Trellis - A 0/4 wall that taps for mana. What's wrong with that?
  1. That Useless White Rare - Bite me, I don't have a list with me. All creatures get +2 as long they all share a color. If this isn't a bigoted card, I don't know what is. I'm going to run out and drop a minimum of a dollar a card for four of these babies so I can put them in my SIDEBOARD against all those creatureless decks that are WRECKING Type II right now. Christ, even Boldo's playing with creatures.
  1. Cho-Manno, Revolutionary Dude - Can't kill him. Thank God I don't have to.
  1. Thieve's Auction - This isn't the best card in Magic, but it sure is the coolest. I'm praying someone gets on the Pro Tour and plays this card. Against someone like Randy Buehler. Hilarity will ensue.
  1. Pangosaur - Cool picture, cool name; Treachery and Bribery proof. A 6/6 for four mana. And it's Green. What's wrong with this?
  1. Cool Green Creature that Costs 5 Green Mana - This card just cries out to be splashed... in a mono green deck. I like the way they say you may put the counter on. Remember boys and girls, Magic is about NO MERCY. You WILL put the counter on.
  1. Lumbering Satyr - After years of printing crappy Ernham knock-offs, they might of got it right.
  1. Two-Headed Dragon - He flies, he pumps, he blocks more than one creature and it takes more than one creature to block him. And the downside is?
  1. Squee, Goblin Nabob - This must be R&D's stupid people test, because if you cast Squee, you're a moron.
  1. Glowing Anemone - The best, most righteous Magic card ever printed. It's obvious that Hasbro is a clean, right-thinking corporation, for they clearly know that the Sea Anemone is the favored of God, covered with His Grace. This might be an OK magic card, but who cares? This card is HOLY.
There it is. The fruit of my loins. Study and become one with the List. You might hear from me, the Prophet of the Anemone, if I ever play in another Type II tournament again. Bah, who knows.

Play nice at Rudicon.

I'm out,

Boldo: Brother Boldo
Webmaster: Patrick Ludwig
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Last Modified on Thursday, 21-Oct-1999 21:24:18 EDT